Gathering Gold

Exploring the Depths of OCD with Stuart Ralph

We are honored to bring you a conversation with Stuart Ralph, host of The OCD Stories podcast. 

Stuart founded The OCD Stories podcast in 2015 to improve the lives of those with OCD. He holds a masters degree in psychological therapies from the University of London, Queen Mary and a masters degree in integrative child and adolescent counselling and psychotherapy from the University of Roehampton. He works in private practice as a child and adolescent counsellor and psychotherapist in the UK. 

In this episode, Stuart graciously shares his personal experiences with OCD, from his first childhood intrusive thoughts, to dealing with an OCD relapse as a new therapist.

We discuss why Stu chooses to practice as an integrative therapist, and how he uses modalities including Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT), Compassion-Focused Therapy, and psychodynamic approaches alongside Exposure and Response Prevention (ERP). 

Aliveness

Can we find a sense of aliveness rooted in our everyday lives?

Does the magic of life disappear as we age?

How do we take responsibility for our own aliveness?

In today’s episode, we are exploring all these questions and more to get at the heart of what it means to live fully and deeply, swimming in a sea of fear, courage, and connection. 

When we stop taking risks, aliveness shrinks. 

When we ignore hard feelings, aliveness suffers.

When we hide from the world, aliveness is elusive. 

We invite you to get curious and consider: what areas of life are calling for you attention? 

References:

• Richard Rohr quote: “Mystery is not something you can’t know. Mystery is endless knowability. Living inside such endless knowability is finally a comfort, a foundation of ultimate support, security, unrestricted love, and eternal care. For all of us, it takes much of our life to get there; it is what we surely mean by ‘growing’ in faith. I can’t prove this to you. Each soul must learn on its own, hopefully aided by observing other faith-filled people.”
• Gilmore Girls episode "The Third Lorelai" 
• Ladybird: "Don't you think maybe they are the same thing -- love and attention?"
• The Four Givens of Existential Therapy
• A Streetcar Named Desire: "The opposite is desire."

Stories We Tell Ourselves

We tell ourselves stories all the time, often stories with roots in fear and protection:

 

"I’m not smart enough."

"They’re mad at me."

"I’ll never be able to…" (fill in the blank)

 

The stories can become so engrained in us, and occur to us so quickly, that we often forget to stop and think about where they come from, and whether they are still, or ever were, really true. Might there be another interpretation that is equally true, more true, or simply more helpful?

In today’s episode, we talk about the act of resistant reading to uncover bias, root out shame, and start to notice the stories we tell about ourselves, each other, and the world. This is a practice that goes beyond the cognitive realm of words and goes deep into our bodies, into the stories that live within us on a cellular level. 

And we start to explore the question: How can we start to tell ourselves more helpful stories—with our words, with our actions, and with our bodies?

Grieving Unlived Lives

There are times in our lives, especially around transitions, when we might wonder: what if? What if I had done things differently back then, or if circumstances been different? Would I suffer less now? And what about the future — what about all the paths that I can’t take? How do I honor them, let them go, and keep moving forward?

In today’s episode, Sheryl explains why and how to grieve unlived lives: the ones behind us and ahead of us, the ones that we turned away from by choice, and the ones that were barred to us by circumstance. 

We explore how grieving the roads not taken, and holding awareness of death, can help us to live more fully and courageously now, with hearts open to everything that is present for us in the only lives we truly have. 

Redefining Attraction

We begin this episode about attraction by uncovering some core beliefs that get embedded into us at an early age — as early as childhood, when we watch classic cartoons featuring smitten characters with bulging heart eyes, salivating mouths, and hearts thumping out of their chests.

As we grow up, we see these depictions of attraction replicated in all types of media, glamorizing first sight, instantaneous chemical reactions between people, woven into a culture that often focuses on the superficial, on what we see at skin level. 

Today, we’re talking about what it means to experience true, ongoing attraction in a committed relationship. Sheryl dispels common myths and misunderstandings, expanding and deepening our understanding of attraction as connection that can be cultivated through loving actions.

Sheryl describes one of her favorite loving actions, which is simple but not easy, fundamental and yet not always obvious, something that can change the way we move through relationships and through the world. 

The Myth of Effortless Self-Care

You know how to take care of yourself, right? It's simple and easy. Just eat healthy, exercise, get the perfect amount and type of sleep every night, find meaningful work that pays you fairly and doesn't overwork you, spend lots of time cultivating strong relationships, but don't forget your relationship with yourself, go to therapy, be an active part of your community, grow a garden and make yourself a fresh green smoothie every morning--

Okay. So maybe not so simple.

The term "self-care" has gotten more and more infused into our everyday lexicon, and yet, it also seems to be more confusing than ever. With so much information at our fingertips, many of us feel guilty that we aren't taking better care of ourselves. Why is it so hard?

That's what we're unpacking in today's episode. 

And, you can watch our "After the Show" video where we dig more into internal resistance around self-care and rebellion of the "inner teenager."

Relationship Anxiety: Katie’s Story

Today, we are finally addressing a topic that has been the pathway to Sheryl’s work for so many of her clients and course members: relationship anxiety.

In this episode, we’re talking to Katie, asking her to share her story in the same style as the popular course member interviews included at the end of the Break Free from Relationship Anxiety course. 

Katie describes her relationship patterns before finding Sheryl’s course: how she would always run as soon as she thought someone might get hurt, how she thought that a relationship needed to start with infatuation to last, and how she held tight to a rigid independence to protect herself. 

Katie explains why she was determined not to run when she met her husband, even when RA brought symptoms like persistent insomnia. She talks about the mindset shifts she learned in Sheryl’s course that helped her to question everything she thought she knew about attraction and independence, and let go of her long list of criteria for a partner. And finally, she shares her wedding vows, and brings Sheryl and Victoria to tears.

Sheryl and Victoria recently shared their own relationship anxiety stories in a special Patreon bonus episode. You can learn about joining the Patreon and listen to that episode at patreon.com/gatheringgold

And if you are interested in Sheryl’s Break Free from Relationship Anxiety course, you can register here before this year's only live round starts on February 26th. 

 

References:

• Hold Me Tight, by Sue Johnson
• Brené Brown

Anticipatory Anxiety

You probably know the feeling: it’s the pit of dread in your stomach every time you see a particular date on the calendar, and you know exactly what’s happening on that day. The plane trip. The presentation at work. The dentist appointment.

If your dread is strong enough, you might find it date consumes your thoughts. You're distracted even during enjoyable activities, worrying about the outcome of this looming event. What if the plane crashes? What if you get fired? What if the dentist drills the wrong tooth?!

This line of thinking has a name: anticipatory anxiety. In today’s episode, Sheryl and Victoria share stories of their own recent anticipatory anxiety, how it affects them, and why it’s important to bring curiosity to this realm. And they share strategies and surprising sources of solace that bring a little more excitement, gratitude, and peace to their days, as they continue to hold space for fear of uncertainty.

If you enjoy the episode, check out a special “After the Show” video on Sheryl's YouTube channel, in which Sheryl and Victoria tie up some loose ends, explain the abrupt podcast ending, and dig deeper into a spiritual response to anticipatory anxiety.