Gathering Gold

Healing Shame

Many of us feed our shame with the very food that makes it grow: criticism and cruelty that inspires deeper disconnection and despair. We think that we can control and punish ourselves into perfection, that we can banish our exiled parts into the shadowlands and transcend hurt and vulnerability.

And yet, if we take the risk to feed our shame with love, acceptance, and compassion, we will see what’s underneath: a young, soft part of ourselves who is here to help us heal.

How do we find that love and compassion and heal our shame?

This is what we explore in today’s episode.

References:

• Feeding Your Demons
• Queer Eye
• Heartstopper
• Sap and Feel Good
• Sounds True webinar about Internal Family Systems (with Elizabeth Gilbert and Jonathan Van Ness)
• Harm reduction movement 
• Ted Lasso
• Never Have I Ever
• Dr. Kristin Neff
• Carl Rogers

The Cloak of Shame

Everyone feels shame at one time or another.

For some of us, shame is an occasional or even rare experience. It’s an awful feeling, but manageable.

For others, shame is a state that we are particularly prone to; our shame gets activated quickly and intensely. We might even walk around in a haze of free-floating shame, inhaling it with the air we breathe. 

In today’s episode, Sheryl and Victoria explore shame and some of its shifting forms: shame as a creature of the dark that hides out in our innermost places, that flees when we attempt to bring it into the light. Shame as a voice we hear deep inside, convincing us that we don’t deserve love and belonging. Shame as a cloak, shielding us from the vulnerability of exposure and visibility.

Join us in this episode to tug at the cloak and take a peek at what's underneath.

References:

• Break Free from Anxiety 9-month course
• "The Good Girl and the Inner Teenager" episode
• Sheryl’s most recent blog post: "Healing Shame is One of the Keys to Healing Anxiety"
• Sheryl's "You Are Loved" MP3
• Shame Spiral podcast
• Harriet Lerner
• Feeding Your Demons: Ancient Wisdom for Resolving Inner Conflict, by Tsultrim Allione
• Andrea Gibson on double suffering
• Jen Campbell talking about queer coding and disability coding in Disney
• Sheryl’s Sacred Sexuality course
• Untamed by Glennon Doyle

Expectations, Emotions and Very Big Days (from Patreon)

Today's episode is from the Gathering Gold Patreon Bonus Episode vault! Sheryl and Victoria address a question from Olivia, who is considering marriage with her partner. Olivia's family expects a big wedding, but she dreads being the center of attention. Also...she has some fears about making this forever commitment.

Though Olivia's question is about marriage, the themes in this episode will resonate with anyone currently facing a big transition, like Sheryl and Victoria: right now, Sheryl is preparing to bring her eldest son to college for the first time, and Victoria is wrapping up her last few days at the job she has held for the past nine years.

Stay tuned for reflections to come on these big milestones. 

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Click here to learn about our Patreon, and here to register for Sheryl's 9-month course: Break Free from Anxiety. 

Effort and Ease

Everything we do requires some effort. We wake up in the morning, and from that point forward, we exert effort, starting with getting out of bed and brushing our teeth.

In our society, it is easy to think of effort as synonymous with drudgery, exhaustion, and an attitude of "never enough." Because of this, we also have a complicated relationship with ease: we struggle to rest, and to trust ease. We often stumble from overexertion into numbing out.

Humans seem to be happiest when we find a flow between effort and ease, a satisfactory relationship with trying and allowing, practicing and surrendering. How do we come to cultivate that symbiotic relationship in our lives? How do we find that flow?

This is what we explore in today’s episode.

References:

Mindset, by Carol Dweck

Taylor Swift commencement speech at NYU

Taylor Swift's "Mirrorball"

Tricia Hersey’s The Nap Ministry

Hannah Morris Bouldering YouTube channel

Growing Up and Knowing Ourselves

In today’s solo episode, Victoria responds to Patreon Community questions about resistance to growing up and learning to connect to our wants, needs, and values.

Sharing anecdotes from her life, she reflects on core fears and beliefs inside the aversion to responsibility and adulthood, and discusses gentle approaches to examining the invitations inside our existential anxieties.

She also shares approaches to developing a stronger relationship with ourselves, even when we feel very disconnected, and to making decisions while holding space for ambivalence.

References:

• Perennials Podcast
• The four givens of existential psychotherapy
• Section from Walt Whitman’s Song of Myself: “I contain multitudes”
• “Make a decision, then make it right” Instagram post
• Window of tolerance 
• Being in a state of "flow"
• Rainer Maria Rilke’s Letters to a Young Poet

 

The Good Girl and the Inner Teenager

You may be familiar with the inner child and the inner adult, but when was the last time you thought about your inner teenager?

In today’s episode, we’re exploring what qualities this often-forgotten inner part brings to the table. And, we’re exploring why those of us who grew up trying to embody the “good girl” might have struggled to fully tap into the potential of our inner teenager. The characters are seemingly at odds: as Sheryl explains, if the good girl is all about saying yes, the inner teenager is all about saying no.

But with our loving adult at the helm, ready to guide both the child and the teenager to safety and freedom, what might they have to learn from each other? And what might they have to teach us now? 

All this, and more, in today’s conversation. 

 

References: 

• Little Women
• Play adaptation of The Diary of Anne Frank
• Gathering Gold Purity & Perfectionism episode
• Gathering Gold Sexual Sovereignty episode 
• Mae Martin’s SAP
• A Midsummer Night’s Dream
• Gathering Gold Summer episode
• Reviving Ophelia by Mary Pipher 

Breaking the Worry Habit

Studies suggest that about 85% of what we worry about never happens.

And yet, for many of us, worrying is a way of life. It is our go-to response when we face uncertainty or perceive a threat to something or someone we care about deeply. 

In today’s episode, Sheryl shares personal reflections on her relationship to worry as her eldest son Everest embarks on the hardest challenge he has ever faced. She has a thousand reasons to worry, but an even more important reason to break the habit, and tap into another way of expressing her unshakeable love for her son, and her abiding trust in this life. 

In this conversation, we spend time in the realm of spirit and sky, feeling into the mystery of trust and surrender. And, we spend time planted into the earth, focusing on the things we can control, where we place our attention, and choices we make about which thoughts and actions to water and grow. 

Creativity

There are all sorts of blocks that get in the way of us connecting to our creativity, our life force.

There’s the inner critic, and then there are the outer critics. There’s perfectionism, and the fear that “it’s all been done before.” There’s the despair of "not enough," and the ache of lacking inspiration.

Even after we’ve bushwhacked our way through the thickets of inner resistance to actually create something, we often prick ourselves on thorny choices around sharing what we’ve made. How do we know when it’s time to share, or if it ever needs to be shared? Is wanting to share our creativity inherently narcissistic? What if we get attention for it? What if no one pays attention? What’s the point of all of it, anyway?

All of this, and more, in today's episode.

References:

• Jeremy Taylor's dreamwork 
• Mary Oliver's poetry and On Being interview
• Elizabeth Gilbert’s TED talk, Oprah talk, and book Big Magic 
• Magic Lessons Podcast episode with Brené Brown
• Marion Woodman's Sitting by the Well
• Perennials Podcast Episode 16: Lucky You with Erika Carter