Gathering Gold

Trauma Collisions in Relationships

Today’s episode was inspired by a recent post that Sheryl shared on Instagram about trauma collisions in longterm relationships.

In this conversation, we explore what trauma collisions are (and are not), how they differ from arguments, and how we can become more mindful and skillful in responding to them. 

Sheryl underscores the role of self-awareness in uncovering the understory of a trauma collision, finding compassion for ourselves and our partners, and creating new, healthier patterns. 

We discuss demon dances, childhood wounds, and the core human longing for both separateness and intimacy.

References:

• Sheryl’s IG post about trauma collisions
• Love and Awakening, John Welwood
• Essay “Intimate Relationship as Transformative Path” by John Welwood
• A Little Book on the Human Shadow, Robert Bly
• Emotionally-Focused Therapy (EFT)
• Attachment theory
• Hold Me Tight, Sue Johnson
• Sue Johnson’s workbooks and video series
• Rilke quote about those in marriage being "the guardian of the other's solitude.”

Irritation in Relationships

You just sat down with a cup of tea and a good book. You’re deeply invested in the plot and sinking into glorious alone time, when suddenly, you hear footsteps. Your partner appears in the room. 

“What’s for dinner?” they ask. 

Your entire body is instantly flooded with one feeling: irritation. 

It’s a feeling that we all have from time to time, including with the people we love most in the world: our partners, family members, and friends. And yet, we can easily feel jolted by irritation or annoyance. “Oh no,” we might say to our selves. “What’s wrong with me/them/our relationship that I feel this way? Aren’t I supposed to always feeling loving, patient, and kindly towards them?”

In today’s episode, we’re exploring irritation in relationships, and what it might be pointing to when our skin crawls in response to the way our partner loads the dishwasher—or, God forbid, when a parent asks, “How was your day?”

And of course, we look for the gold shimmering just underneath this seemingly ungracious emotion.

References:

Sheryl's blog post: "When You Feel Irritated with Your Partner"

January: The God of the Doorway

The month of January is named after the Roman god Janus: the god of the doorway. Janus was said to have two faces: one looking ahead, and one looking behind. 

We are now in the liminal month of January, moving between two years and looking forward and backward just like Janus. In today's episode, Sheryl encourages us to meet this liminality with curiosity and compassion. Though we may feel off-kilter and groundless, though we may be full of questions, there is gold to gather in this month of doorways.

What doorways might you meet this month? What gold might you gather?

References:

• Sheryl's blog post "January: the Liminal Month"
• The Nature of Reading book shop
• Looking for the Hidden Folk, by Nancy Marie Brown
• The Re-enchantment of Everyday Life, by Thomas Moore

Sacred Sexuality

In today’s episode, we return gently to sacred ground: the ground of our sexuality. 

Last January, we explored what it means to own our sexual sovereignty through reclaiming our right and ability to say no. Today, we begin uncovering our inherent yes, which was likely shamed early in our lives.

Sheryl encourages us to gently orient ourselves back towards our innate curiosity, belief in our own goodness, and appreciation for our bodies and beauty. We embrace the power of sharing stories of early sexual exploration, as participants of Sheryl’s Sacred Sexuality course do throughout the program. And we reflect on the importance of making room for fear, seeking out helpful educational materials, and finding our own unique relationship to sexuality, not trying to fit into an externally-prescribed template.

Learn more about Sheryl’s Sacred Sexuality course, which starts January 13th, on her website. 

References:

• Last year’s Gathering Gold "Sexual Sovereignty" episode
• Sheryl’s Sacred Sexuality course
• Sheryl’s blog post, “We Have Forgotten Who We are” https://conscious-transitions.com/we-have-forgotten-who-we-are/
• The Chalice and the Blade, by Riane Eisler
• Barbie film (2023)
• Beautiful Dreamers film (1990)
• Walt Whitman
• Gathering Gold "Fairy Tales by the Fireside" episode
• Come as You Are: The Surprising New Science that Will Transform Your Sex Life, by Emily Nagoski
• Sex Talks: The Five Conversations That Will Transform Your Love Life, by Vanessa Marin
• Emily Dickinson poem, “Tell All the Truth But Tell It Slant”

Fairy Tales by the Fireside with Daev Finn

In this special episode, Sheryl's husband Daev Finn joins the show to continue our seasonal exploration of wintry themes. A psychotherapist who uses the metaphor of myth and fairy tales in his work, Daev offers his perspective on the Brothers Grimm telling of "Briar Rose" (otherwise known as "Sleeping Beauty").

Daev, Sheryl, and Victoria read the tale aloud, then share their reflections on themes of slumber, sexuality, growing up, and banishment. Daev offers perspective on the history of myths and fairytales and their problematic parts, Sheryl reflects on the treatment of powerful women in patriarchal narratives, and Victoria muses on how this tale cautions us to rethink banishing our inner "thirteenth fairy."

Find Daev on Instagram @followyourmyth

References:

• "Briar Rose" text
• Disney film Maleficent (2014)
• The myths of Psyche, Persephone, and Perceval 
• The entitled prince vs. positive prince role models: Aladdin, Luke Skywalker, Kristoff from Frozen (2013)
• French author Charles Perrault
• Moana (2016)
• The story of the Buddha 
• Protagonists with self-agency: "Hansel and Gretel", Dorothy in The Wizard of Oz, Alice in Alice in Wonderland, Harry Potter
• A non-binary hero(ine) in literature: Orlando, by Virginia Woolf
• Modern myth-makers Neil Gaiman, Joseph Campbell, and George Lucas

Music in this episode:

• Gathering Gold theme music by Jarrett Farkas
• "Glacier" by SalmonLikeTheFish

Winter Solstice

We are approaching the shortest day and longest night of the year in the Northern hemisphere.

In preparation for the winter solstice, Sheryl invites us to anchor ourselves in time and find communion with the luminous dark.

How might we celebrate the triumph of light, the gift of the sun, while also welcoming the wisdom of darkness?

How might we balance the need to rest and turn inward with the need to brave the cold, to go out into the world?

How can we cultivate peace within ourselves in the face of all that is treacherous in this world—including the double-edged winter months, with their shimmer and ice, their harshness and beauty?

This is what we invite you to explore with us in today’s episode, and at our upcoming Patreon Meet-Up on December 21st. 

References:

• Gathering Gold Patreon (sign up for the Meet-Up Member tier to join our virtual meet-ups)
• Darkness and Light episode
• Winter’s Paradox episode 
• Francis Weller
• Effort and Ease episode

Social Anxiety

We all know the feeling: jitters before a birthday party. Melting into the wall during a wedding reception. Obsessing over that awkward hug you gave at the potluck.

Everyone has their moments of social anxiety, but some of us suffer with it more chronically, perhaps managing a mixture of avoidance and overcompensation. We might worry that we are too quiet or too loud, too boring or too obnoxious—somehow just not right. Our fear of others’ judgment interweaves with our own harsh inner critic. 

While humans are apt to underestimate how much people like us, we also all have had experiences of rejection that left scars. Highly sensitive people, introverted people, and people with anxiety have our own particular fear of being shunned because of our difference. 

In today’s episode, Sheryl shares stories of her own past social scars that have contributed to social anxiety across her life, from getting kicked out a clique in fifth grade to feeling invisible in her synagogue in recent years.

In this conversation, we dig into the soil of social anxiety to find the gems hidden under layers of sediment: our genuineness and our capacity to care and love.

References:

• Episode of Hidden Brain, “How Others See You”
• Matt Haig quote: “Never be cool. Never try to be cool. Never worry what the cool people think. Head for the warm people. Life is warmth. You’ll be cool when you’re dead.”

Work and Career Anxiety

Highly sensitive people bring many gifts to work, and we also face unique challenges—including a persistent longing to bridge the gap between our ideals and the reality of our work life.

Whether we are full-time caregivers, lawyers, teachers, baristas, artists, or project managers, we might wonder: am I on the right path? Do I belong in this field? Might the grass be greener somewhere else?

We have also been conditioned to believe that our work, our career, is a reflection of our worthiness. This can keep us stuck in a myriad of ways: we might fear that we don’t deserve to even try for a career that we’re deeply interested in, or we might struggle to leave a role that isn’t a good fit simply because it’s prestigious. 

In today’s episode, we’re exploring questions around work and career anxiety, including how to show up fully in a good enough job, and how to manage anxiety when it's time to make a career transition.