Gathering Gold

Rupture and Repair

Rupture and repair. Rupture and repair. Rupture and repair. 

This is the rhythm of all close relationships—even the relationship between Sheryl and Victoria, as we discuss (gingerly, with care) in today’s episode.

In any relationship, if we get close enough, we will eventually experience a rupture. We make mistakes, we let each other down, we hurt, and then, with courage, self-awareness, and a foundation of love, we can heal. 

Yet it is no small task to skillfully traverse ruptures and repairs. As Sheryl explains in today’s episode, “we become de-sensitized to the experience of a guarded heart, and we skirt away from doing whatever is required to bring us back to full trust and full closeness.” 

Through deeply personal stories of her own experiences in this realm, Sheryl shares some of the guiding principles that can help us to navigate our differences with honesty and love, and find our way back to each other. 

References:

• Being Well podcast episode with Sue Johnson
• Dialectical Behavior Therapy
• Mindfulness

True Wild

The wild has been banished, pushed to the edges of civilization, pushed to the edges of psyche. Wolves and coyotes, bears and bobcats, rage and sexuality and messiness and imperfection have all been relegated to the outskirts.

We long for wildness. We long for freedom and aliveness, creativity and authenticity. 

And yet, we might also fear wildness—the way it can control us. The way we can burn others and be burned by it.

How do we get in touch with our wild parts, and integrate them with the rest of us? How do we find healthy containers in which to explore our creativity, our dreams, our true voice, our boundaries?

This is what we are exploring in today’s episode.

References:

Women Who Run with the Wolves: Myths and Stories of the Wild Woman Archetype, by Clarissa Pinkola Estés

Tell All the Truth but Tell It Slant, Emily Dickinson

Doubt (2008) 

Everything Belongs podcast episode: "The First Half of Life"

Silvy Khoucasian (Relationship Coach): Instagram handle 

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Fertility Anxiety

In today’s episode, we hear a very special guest’s story of managing fertility anxiety while trying to conceive for many months. Sarah shares her experience of desperately wanting to get pregnant and deeply fearing it would never happen.

Along the way, we discuss finding supportive healthcare providers, learning to navigate sex when trying to conceive, meeting our own or our partner’s ambivalence about parenthood, and more.

Sarah Koestner is a transformational life coach who was a beloved moderator on Sheryl’s online forum for many years. You can learn mare about her and her coaching work at www.sarahkoestner.com/

References:

• Pachamama 
• Perennials Episode: True Love with Sarah Koestner

The Edge of Spring

In today's episode, Sheryl reflects on the liminal time between winter and spring, and the way that this season emphasizes a certain truth about life: that joy and grief are intimately, irrevocably connected. That we experience not grief, then joy, not life, then death, but all of it, together, always. 

"We think linearly--but maybe, that's not how time, and grief, and memory co-exist. And it's spring that reveals these cross-sections."

References:

• Sheryl's blog post "Fear Distorts Perception"

 

Spring Equinox

The spring equinox is a moment of symmetry and balance; the sun sits exactly above the equator, and we experience an equal amount of daylight and darkness.

In today’s episode, Sheryl shares her thoughts on the spiritual experience of symmetry, and how fractals in nature convince her that this world is one of not only chaos, but also order—and why that matters so much to highly sensitive people.

We also discuss the yin and yang nature of seasons, the beauty in asymmetry, and how a healthy relationship with rituals and repetition can help us find and make meaning. 

References:

Quote from Madeleine L’Engle's A Swiftly Tilting Planet.

Nature journal article “Why Symmetry Matters,” by Mario Livio

The Age of Adeline (2015)

Groundhog Day (1993)

How Stuff Works article "Why Do We Get So Much Pleasure from Symmetry?" by Dave Roos

The Accidental Universe: The World You Thought You Knew, by Alan Lightman

Trauma Collisions in Relationships

Today’s episode was inspired by a recent post that Sheryl shared on Instagram about trauma collisions in longterm relationships.

In this conversation, we explore what trauma collisions are (and are not), how they differ from arguments, and how we can become more mindful and skillful in responding to them. 

Sheryl underscores the role of self-awareness in uncovering the understory of a trauma collision, finding compassion for ourselves and our partners, and creating new, healthier patterns. 

We discuss demon dances, childhood wounds, and the core human longing for both separateness and intimacy.

References:

• Sheryl’s IG post about trauma collisions
• Love and Awakening, John Welwood
• Essay “Intimate Relationship as Transformative Path” by John Welwood
• A Little Book on the Human Shadow, Robert Bly
• Emotionally-Focused Therapy (EFT)
• Attachment theory
• Hold Me Tight, Sue Johnson
• Sue Johnson’s workbooks and video series
• Rilke quote about those in marriage being "the guardian of the other's solitude.”

Irritation in Relationships

You just sat down with a cup of tea and a good book. You’re deeply invested in the plot and sinking into glorious alone time, when suddenly, you hear footsteps. Your partner appears in the room. 

“What’s for dinner?” they ask. 

Your entire body is instantly flooded with one feeling: irritation. 

It’s a feeling that we all have from time to time, including with the people we love most in the world: our partners, family members, and friends. And yet, we can easily feel jolted by irritation or annoyance. “Oh no,” we might say to our selves. “What’s wrong with me/them/our relationship that I feel this way? Aren’t I supposed to always feeling loving, patient, and kindly towards them?”

In today’s episode, we’re exploring irritation in relationships, and what it might be pointing to when our skin crawls in response to the way our partner loads the dishwasher—or, God forbid, when a parent asks, “How was your day?”

And of course, we look for the gold shimmering just underneath this seemingly ungracious emotion.

References:

Sheryl's blog post: "When You Feel Irritated with Your Partner"

January: The God of the Doorway

The month of January is named after the Roman god Janus: the god of the doorway. Janus was said to have two faces: one looking ahead, and one looking behind. 

We are now in the liminal month of January, moving between two years and looking forward and backward just like Janus. In today's episode, Sheryl encourages us to meet this liminality with curiosity and compassion. Though we may feel off-kilter and groundless, though we may be full of questions, there is gold to gather in this month of doorways.

What doorways might you meet this month? What gold might you gather?

References:

• Sheryl's blog post "January: the Liminal Month"
• The Nature of Reading book shop
• Looking for the Hidden Folk, by Nancy Marie Brown
• The Re-enchantment of Everyday Life, by Thomas Moore